Most days I do great. I really do. But there have been many days during Emmie’s life where I have felt lower than low. I attribute most of these feelings to my cbac(cesarean birth after cesarean), being knocked out and lack of bonding with Emmie, difficulties breastfeeding, and being a depressed person through my mid teens. (Funny that as I wrote that I thought man that was only five years ago) Many days I adored Emmie. I mean I finally got my little girl and was able to dress her in cute little clothes!
My bad days range from feeling like crap to all out sobbing and hating ever choice I ever made about my birth. I truly and fully believe that MOST of my depression extends from there. My mild days I feel like I’m not an important part of any ones life. My terrible days though can be frightening some times. In my own mind I could disappear and there would be very few people who would notice I was gone. Sometimes I feel like Emaree isn’t even my child. I look at her and I don’t know where she came from. Then I think about it and feel like such a terrible mother. What kind of mom doesn’t even recognize their own child.
Luckily most days I am completely and utterly in love with this kid. Her cheesing grin is just too freaking cute to resist. She is sweet most days and even when she is a little monster she shows “nigh” as she would say. This kid talks like an 18-20 month old at 14 months. She walks and runs and is a little brute! She is my “advanced” baby. When I look back on the days where I felt like I wasn’t her mother it makes me feel like a worthless parent but then she smiles or laughs or gives her mama kisses and it melts my heart away and makes this mama feel better!