I quit. That is the kind of day I’m having. I quit at mommyhood. I quit at being a wife. I quit at life today because it seems like everyone has an opinion about something I’m doing incorrectly.
I was out of the house for most of the day. I had to finally go get my last name on my license changed to my married name. Since Blogher is coming up I need it if I want to get in and to get on my flight. Chris mainly stayed with the kiddos today. It was about an hour drive to go get all that done. Our car has NO AIR and the front drivers window won’t roll down so it is obviously an epic win while driving. After I finished all my stuff I went to see my grandma. I stayed and talked for awhile.
At some point in the conversation it came up that I wasn’t getting on Chris’s insurance right now because we can’t afford it. And I don’t mean like we could but we enjoy having money, I mean like if we add the extra 60 every month we won’t have car insurance or something. Of course my mom called me not to long after and told me to “forget the homeschooling shit and get a job”. I get NO support from most of my family and a t some point or another every single person has bashed some parenting decision I’ve made. I just can’t deal with it anymore. I can’t take people being douche bags about EVERY FUCKING DETAIL OF MY LIFE! I don’t let you have this, Im a terrible person. I can’t give that and I’m bad in some way. I don’t do what you want and you just erase me from your mind until it’s convenient for you. I am so completely drained by life these last couple of months.
Bonus to it all, I have no one to gripe to. No one gets it or they get so sick of hearing all the time. There are some days that Im so done and so loney that I just want to forget everything. I want to drown my sorrows are swallow them away. I know I need help. I know I need to take some happy pills or see someone but I can’t. Or not yet anyway. Hopefully I can keep earning money from blogging and such to make up for the cost of insurance.
The think is when I get like this I yell. I am my mother. Admitting that was razors to my brain. When she is irrated she yells and I do the exact same thing. I hate it. I yell at my two innocent babies who are just trying to be kids. I feel like such a failure as a mother. There are days that I feel like I should just leave because I’m sure Chris could find such a better wife and mother for them. They deserve love and caring. They don’t deserve this monster that comes out and I feel like I have no control over. They deserve the world and I feel like for the most part I can’t give it to them. Anytime I tell anyone remotely how I feel I get the “Don’t have any more babies” comment. Thanks, Yea I know I’m a fucking mess and I don’t want to add anymore. I’ve even have gotten said similar comment from the husband. I know people mean well but shit like that is not helpful.
I know this is just a big ramble all over the place fest. But this is the one place that I really don’t give a shit what others think. I’m not one for expressing feelings out loud. Chris knows this too well and maybe this is why I get so bad. I can’t say shit and when I do it takes forever since I cry forever while I make it come out. I let people walk all over my kindness and no one is very considerate of anything I do.(There are about three people in my life that I can always depend on if I really need them and they are generally amazing) But I know that they must hate to hear everything over and over so I shut the hell up and leave it alone.
Okay if you made it to the end you are a trooper because I know I probably wouldn’t have wanted to read this mess all the way through. Thanks!