I quit. That is the kind of day I’m having. I quit at mommyhood. I quit at being a wife. I quit at life today because it seems like everyone has an opinion about something I’m doing incorrectly.

I was out of the house for most of the day. I had to finally go get my last name  on my license changed to my married name. Since Blogher is coming up I need it if I want to get in and to get on my flight. Chris mainly stayed with the kiddos today. It was about an hour drive to go get all that done. Our car has NO AIR and the front drivers window won’t roll down so it is obviously an epic win while driving. After I finished all my stuff I went to see my grandma. I stayed and talked for awhile.

At some point in the conversation it came up that I wasn’t getting on Chris’s insurance right now because we can’t afford it. And I don’t mean like we could but we enjoy having money, I mean like if we add the extra 60 every month we won’t have car insurance or something. Of course my mom called me not to long after and told me to “forget the homeschooling shit and get a job”. I get NO support from most of my family and a t some point or another every single person has bashed some parenting decision I’ve made. I just can’t deal with it anymore. I can’t take people being douche bags about EVERY FUCKING DETAIL OF MY LIFE! I don’t let you have this, Im a terrible person. I can’t give that and I’m bad in some way. I don’t do what you want and you just erase me from your mind until it’s convenient for you. I am so completely drained by life these last couple of months.

Bonus to it all, I have no one to gripe to. No one gets it or they get so sick of hearing all the time. There are some days that Im so done and so loney that I just want to forget everything. I want to drown my sorrows are swallow them away. I know I need help. I know I need to take some happy pills or see someone but I can’t. Or not yet anyway. Hopefully I can keep earning money from blogging and such to make up for the cost of insurance.

The think is when I get like this I yell. I am my mother. Admitting that was razors to my brain. When she is irrated she yells and I do the exact same thing. I hate it. I yell at my two innocent babies who are just trying to be kids. I feel like such a failure as a mother. There are days that I feel like I should just leave because I’m sure Chris could find such a better wife and mother for them. They deserve love and caring. They don’t deserve this monster that comes out and I feel like I have no control over. They deserve the world and I feel like for the most part I can’t give it to them. Anytime I tell anyone remotely how I feel I get the “Don’t have any more babies” comment. Thanks, Yea I know I’m a fucking mess and I don’t want to add anymore. I’ve even have gotten said similar comment from the husband. I know people mean well but shit like that is not helpful.

I know this is just a big ramble all over the place fest. But this is the one place that I really don’t give a shit what others think. I’m not one for expressing feelings out loud. Chris knows this too well and maybe this is why I get so bad. I can’t say shit and when I do it takes forever since I cry forever while I make it come out. I let people walk all over my kindness and no one is very considerate of anything I do.(There are about three people in my life that I can always depend on if I really need them and they are generally amazing) But I know that they must hate to hear everything over and over so I shut the hell up and leave it alone.

Okay if you made it to the end you are a trooper because I know I probably wouldn’t have wanted to read this mess all the way through. Thanks!

My name is Allie and I am depressed!

It really all started when I was about 15. My parents where always arguing and I obviously just never figured out how to deal with emotions properly because I expressed my anger, rage and sadness by cutting. I actually still have plenty of scars on my forearm that you can see if the light hits them right. I wanted to stop. I mean when I got to a bad spot in life I didn’t but when my mind was clear and right…I wanted to. My niece gave me that opportunity. When she was born and we found out she had cancer, it was my bargaining chip with the universe. “I won’t ever cut again if Mattea lives! Please just let her live!!” I stopped cutting and she made it through her treatment and is now cancer free. That was about 5 years ago. Yes I’ve quit but there are days even today, that I am ashamed to admit, I wish I could.

When Landon was born I got the 6 week baby blues but nothing after that. I figured maybe I had just beaten it. I thought well I’m okay now because I haven’t felt like that in so long. Then along came the fetus that would be Emmie. Her pregnancy was hard but I was happy that we were getting our little girl. I was happy Landon was gonna be a big brother. Then my VBAC dreams crashed all around me. I was put under general anesthesia and woke up in a fog that I haven’t really been able to shake. Before we even left the hospital, breastfeeding failed as well. So here I was with a second child who was depending on me, a second uterine scar and boobs that didn’t want to function correctly. I mean I think that would mess with anyone’s hormones. Except this time it lasted much longer than 6 weeks. There would be times when I would look at my daughter and feel like she wasn’t my child. She was a stranger to me. That is such a hard thing to feel as a mom because it made me feel like I must not care about her enough or lover her enough. Well here we are 18 months later and I still get those type of feeling about her every once in a while. Much less frequently now though so I guess that’s good.

Its not postpartum anymore, now it’s just depression. It’s like this all consuming cloud that eat me alive from the inside out. I don’t really even know how to deal with it or make it leave. I suppose going to a doctor or therapist could help but those things require either money or insurance. Neither of which I have at the moment. Chris and I are getting married in June so I will have it then but until then?! I don’t know. I just feel like I float around in this fog barely conscience to the outside. Also another excellence of it all is that is come and goes in waves!  There are days when I get thoughts of running away and just leaving it all behind and then reality kicks me in the ass and tells me to get my shit together. I hope one day my life doesn’t revolve around Chris needing to ask how I feel all the time. Until then though I guess we just deal with it until I can see someone.

Most days I do great. I really do. But there have been many days during Emmie’s life where I have felt lower than low. I attribute most of these feelings to my cbac(cesarean birth after cesarean), being knocked out and lack of bonding with Emmie, difficulties breastfeeding, and being a depressed person through my mid teens. (Funny that as I wrote that I thought man that was only five years ago) Many days I adored Emmie. I mean I finally got my little girl and was able to dress her in cute little clothes!

My bad days range from feeling like crap to all out sobbing and hating ever choice I ever made about my birth. I truly and fully believe that MOST of my depression extends from there. My mild days I feel like I’m not an important part of any ones life. My terrible days though can be frightening some times. In my own mind I could disappear and there would be very few people who would notice I was gone. Sometimes I feel like Emaree isn’t even my child. I look at her and I don’t know where she came from. Then I think about it and feel like such a terrible mother. What kind of mom doesn’t even recognize their own child.

Luckily most days I am completely and utterly in love with this kid. Her cheesing grin is just too freaking cute to resist. She is sweet most days and even when she is a little monster she  shows “nigh” as she would say. This kid talks like an 18-20 month old at 14 months. She walks and runs and is a little brute! She is my “advanced” baby. When I look back on the days where I felt like I wasn’t her mother it makes me feel like a worthless parent but then she smiles or laughs or gives her mama kisses and it melts my heart away and makes this mama feel better!