Have you ever had those times when all you wanted to do or felt like you were going to do was cry? That’s where I’m at right now. I don’t know if it came with Landon’s test results, or if my anxiety and depression are seeping back in. It’s hard to say but almost everything makes me want to cry lately.

Obviously when I finally got the results on valentines day, it was hard. Not only did I cry but it also put me in a foul mood the rest of the day. I knew I wasn’t acting like my normal self. It sucked because my husband tried to be sweet and such but I just wasn’t having it.

Then all week I’ve been feeling the same way. A lot of the time I want to cry over things that really don’t mean much. For example Chris got off the phone before I could say I love you back and I got a lump in my throat. All of it has been just as ridiculous as that. I’ve also been more agitated with the monsters than usual. I guess these are the normal signs I start seeing when the anxiety and depression hit again.

I hate it so much. I wish it would just go away and never come back because I know what next. I’ll always be tired, I won’t want to do anything, and I will become an emotional mess. I guess all I can do is hope that going to the gym more consistently will help curve it a little.

Please tell me I’m not the only one this happens to?! I mean I feel like I do fan-fucking-tastic for a couple of weeks and then it just explodes in my face. I want to be normal. I don’t want to have these things just sneak up on me out of no where. I want to be happy. I want my kids to be able to babble along all day without wanting to pull my hair out.

I just feel like lately, with these mini anxiety attacks happening and the explosions from crazy land, it’s more than I can handle. And I know that if it’s overwhelming for me, it must be terrible for my husband who has to deal with all my bullshit since I have no one else.

Tonights epic crazy has just went from bad to worse. Firstly we got our kids new sippy’s that just snap on. So they also just snap off. Well I’m sick of Emmie taking the lid of and dumping water/milk/juice all over the apartment. Today at lunch they both decided to get in on the action. Then I take the stupid things and tell them each to go sit in the corner for time out. Well that would have worked if Emmie wasn’t a freaking monster who told me no all the time. I was already pissed. But it just made it worse. I wanted to spank. I refrained and instead took her bear away until night time.

So I guess tonight that is where is all came from. I told the husband when he got home I needed to leave. I was going to go to Starbucks for some time to myself. (I have a Starbucks coffee bag and they give you a free coffee when you finish it.) Chris told me he needed to stop at his friends house to pick up a phone really quick, get his pre ordered video game from Game Stop and then he would be home. I told him I was done at 3 today. He got off work at four and I expected him to be home around 5. Maybe 5:15. I also expected that since he should be home, he was going to figure out dinner.

Yea. It would have worked out like that if he hadn’t come home a SIX! I know it’s only 45 minutes but I needed out. I just couldn’t be around anymore. When I get like this, I feel trapped. It rained all day and was freezing out so I couldn’t do the walk I wanted to. We get into an argument before I leave and that that.

So here I sit in Starbucks, drinking a Latte and being beyond angry. I wish I could just breath things like this away. I don’t want to sit here and be some what irrationally angry. Because, while he doesn’t have a phone, I know one of his friends would have let him CALL me to let me know he was going to be late. Had I known that, I may have went and sat in my room for 10 minutes instead of waiting by the door ready to pounce.

I just want all this shit to stop. I want the crazy good and freaking gone from my life. I mean I am sure it will always be a little present. But don’t I deserve a break already.

I quit. That is the kind of day I’m having. I quit at mommyhood. I quit at being a wife. I quit at life today because it seems like everyone has an opinion about something I’m doing incorrectly.

I was out of the house for most of the day. I had to finally go get my last name  on my license changed to my married name. Since Blogher is coming up I need it if I want to get in and to get on my flight. Chris mainly stayed with the kiddos today. It was about an hour drive to go get all that done. Our car has NO AIR and the front drivers window won’t roll down so it is obviously an epic win while driving. After I finished all my stuff I went to see my grandma. I stayed and talked for awhile.

At some point in the conversation it came up that I wasn’t getting on Chris’s insurance right now because we can’t afford it. And I don’t mean like we could but we enjoy having money, I mean like if we add the extra 60 every month we won’t have car insurance or something. Of course my mom called me not to long after and told me to “forget the homeschooling shit and get a job”. I get NO support from most of my family and a t some point or another every single person has bashed some parenting decision I’ve made. I just can’t deal with it anymore. I can’t take people being douche bags about EVERY FUCKING DETAIL OF MY LIFE! I don’t let you have this, Im a terrible person. I can’t give that and I’m bad in some way. I don’t do what you want and you just erase me from your mind until it’s convenient for you. I am so completely drained by life these last couple of months.

Bonus to it all, I have no one to gripe to. No one gets it or they get so sick of hearing all the time. There are some days that Im so done and so loney that I just want to forget everything. I want to drown my sorrows are swallow them away. I know I need help. I know I need to take some happy pills or see someone but I can’t. Or not yet anyway. Hopefully I can keep earning money from blogging and such to make up for the cost of insurance.

The think is when I get like this I yell. I am my mother. Admitting that was razors to my brain. When she is irrated she yells and I do the exact same thing. I hate it. I yell at my two innocent babies who are just trying to be kids. I feel like such a failure as a mother. There are days that I feel like I should just leave because I’m sure Chris could find such a better wife and mother for them. They deserve love and caring. They don’t deserve this monster that comes out and I feel like I have no control over. They deserve the world and I feel like for the most part I can’t give it to them. Anytime I tell anyone remotely how I feel I get the “Don’t have any more babies” comment. Thanks, Yea I know I’m a fucking mess and I don’t want to add anymore. I’ve even have gotten said similar comment from the husband. I know people mean well but shit like that is not helpful.

I know this is just a big ramble all over the place fest. But this is the one place that I really don’t give a shit what others think. I’m not one for expressing feelings out loud. Chris knows this too well and maybe this is why I get so bad. I can’t say shit and when I do it takes forever since I cry forever while I make it come out. I let people walk all over my kindness and no one is very considerate of anything I do.(There are about three people in my life that I can always depend on if I really need them and they are generally amazing) But I know that they must hate to hear everything over and over so I shut the hell up and leave it alone.

Okay if you made it to the end you are a trooper because I know I probably wouldn’t have wanted to read this mess all the way through. Thanks!

I love United States of Tara. Love it! It’s about a woman who have Dissociative Identity Disorder(aka- Multiple Personality Disorder) who is fighting  all of herself to make life work and be normal! Seriously this show is funny and heartbreaking all at the same time. It’s also a show I can only watch during nap time and after the kids go to sleep. Below is a clip from last Monday’s episode. The end really hit me. Watch the whole clip because it is just all good. At 2:30ish is where I feel I’m at most days.

This Clip Contains Swearing. Don’t watch with children around. Unless you don’t care. Then disregard.

I saw it and almost started crying. It literally brought tears to my eyes. While I don’t have DID and I’m not this extreme in my own crazy, I am in fact crazy. I walk around in such a daze sometimes that I can barely tell you something my kid did that day because even though I was present the whole time, I can’t exactly remember. There are days when I put something down for about a minute and I can’t remember what happened to it or where I put it. I feel like I’m living in a fog sometimes and its hard to get through. On Friday was the first clear day I had in about two weeks. I don’t know if it was getting out and going to a play date or if I was just destined to have a good day on Friday but it was so nice to be clear again. I just feel so lost in myself some days and it’s hard to pull through and wake up the next morning to do it all again. Lucky since the play date I seam to feel better. It’s probably a combination of getting out of the house and have Chris help me so much more lately. I mean he always helps anyway but since I have been slacking, he is picking up the extra thing I’m missing. I don’t know what I would do without him most days. I hope that this little streak of feel good lasts awhile. It would be nice to not be a bitch to everyone around me because I am angry, sad and in a fog. I know I still need professional help(Only about a month away from insurance baby!) but if this could keep on keepin’ on until I can get it that would be fantastic!

My name is Allie and I am depressed!

It really all started when I was about 15. My parents where always arguing and I obviously just never figured out how to deal with emotions properly because I expressed my anger, rage and sadness by cutting. I actually still have plenty of scars on my forearm that you can see if the light hits them right. I wanted to stop. I mean when I got to a bad spot in life I didn’t but when my mind was clear and right…I wanted to. My niece gave me that opportunity. When she was born and we found out she had cancer, it was my bargaining chip with the universe. “I won’t ever cut again if Mattea lives! Please just let her live!!” I stopped cutting and she made it through her treatment and is now cancer free. That was about 5 years ago. Yes I’ve quit but there are days even today, that I am ashamed to admit, I wish I could.

When Landon was born I got the 6 week baby blues but nothing after that. I figured maybe I had just beaten it. I thought well I’m okay now because I haven’t felt like that in so long. Then along came the fetus that would be Emmie. Her pregnancy was hard but I was happy that we were getting our little girl. I was happy Landon was gonna be a big brother. Then my VBAC dreams crashed all around me. I was put under general anesthesia and woke up in a fog that I haven’t really been able to shake. Before we even left the hospital, breastfeeding failed as well. So here I was with a second child who was depending on me, a second uterine scar and boobs that didn’t want to function correctly. I mean I think that would mess with anyone’s hormones. Except this time it lasted much longer than 6 weeks. There would be times when I would look at my daughter and feel like she wasn’t my child. She was a stranger to me. That is such a hard thing to feel as a mom because it made me feel like I must not care about her enough or lover her enough. Well here we are 18 months later and I still get those type of feeling about her every once in a while. Much less frequently now though so I guess that’s good.

Its not postpartum anymore, now it’s just depression. It’s like this all consuming cloud that eat me alive from the inside out. I don’t really even know how to deal with it or make it leave. I suppose going to a doctor or therapist could help but those things require either money or insurance. Neither of which I have at the moment. Chris and I are getting married in June so I will have it then but until then?! I don’t know. I just feel like I float around in this fog barely conscience to the outside. Also another excellence of it all is that is come and goes in waves!  There are days when I get thoughts of running away and just leaving it all behind and then reality kicks me in the ass and tells me to get my shit together. I hope one day my life doesn’t revolve around Chris needing to ask how I feel all the time. Until then though I guess we just deal with it until I can see someone.