We’ve had a pretty crappy week. Literally for this mom because both kids had a horrendous stomach bug that just wouldn’t seem to die. On top of sickly children, I had mid terms and a gigantic speech this week. I don’t even know how I survived both without failing horribly. Luckily I grabbed A’s on both!

Before it became maddeningly hectic, we took the kids out to the mall for the day. We walked around, had ice cream(frozen yogurt for the adults) and rode the carousel. It was a really fun time and got us out of the house for a few hours while it’s been freezing out.

I used my new T3. Have I mentioned how much I adore this camera? I usually got decent pictures of the kids with my old camera but I feel like they come much more often now.

How was your week?

I always wondered how we death was going to be introduced to our kids. I remember having four grandparents die before I was 8 years old. The first funeral I attended, I remember messing around and trying to chase my sister around the grave site.

On Emmie’s first birthday, my last great grandparent and the one I was closest with, died. It was really rough for me considering the day it happened. The kids came to the funeral but pretty much stayed in the care with Chris. They didn’t know what was going on since they were so young.

My great grandma was the first someone I lost when I felt like an adult. Ever since then, I get practical thoughts about death. I’ve told Chris what I want, if I should ever die untimely. As the kids get older, I know that they will start to lose people and I have often wondered how to teach it to them.

My husband is spiritual/ religious while I am an atheist. We both believe that the monsters should go to church simply for the fact that they can learn some great morals(and if/when they choose they don’t want to continue going, that fine as well). I’ve also stated that they will not be taught all the things some churches believe to be immoral.

This past weekend, we went to my Brother-In-Law’s school. They have a cemetery out back that I wanted to walk through. I love looking at old grave stones but it also makes me feel like the person isn’t forgotten because someone cares to look still, even if it’s only momentarily.

Landon and Emmie chose to join me along with my in-laws and husband. They wanted to know what the stone were. We are always pretty upfront with our kids. I told Landon, since he asked, that people who died were under the stones and it’s where their families came so they could still see them. He understood pretty well.

At the same school function, Landon won fish for his sister and himself. He was so excited about winning. It was the thing he wanted to do most at the fair. The monsters named the fishies Phineas and Ferb. We told them right off that bat that these fish don’t generally last and die quickly. (Although, I found out this isn’t usually due to the fish, but improper tanks and care.)

Landon’s little guy died first. I didn’t know how he was going to take it. He was upset but we told him that we world get a real aquarium and more fish soon. The saddest part of it all, Landon said “Awww he’s napping mommy.” Yea…not so much. Emmie’s died about an hour later. She started bawling immediately. She has a love for all animals so I understand why it was so hard for her. She cried for a good 15 to 20 minutes but luckily was fine after that.

We didn’t have to deal with the “What happens when you die?” questions this time, which I’m thankful for. Chris and I have yet to discuss how we would handle the existence of Heaven. I know they don’t fully grasp how final something like death is, but hopefully this helps them to be less scared of it when it’s experienced again.

Have you kids had to experience death? Was it hard for them to understand?

With how often I’m singing around my kiddos it’s no wonder that Emmie and Landon have both picked up the singing bug. We usually listen to the radio and unless a song has excessive swearing, which isn’t the case with the radio, we let the monsters listen to it. Landon the other day was singing to Britany Spears with no shame. Ha! He also enjoyed Moves Like Jagger. It’s one of his favorite songs.

Emmie has picked up some to and I’m sure it’s due to her big brother. She wants to be just like him. He didn’t didn’t really start singing along to songs until he was about 3. Emmie started not long after her second birthday. She picks it all up so fast to!

Landon also have a love of singing. Emmie is usually a dance and sing girl but Landon just likes to sing along. That is unless it’s to Move’s like Jagger. The kid is crazy. Sorry the below video is side ways. I got to impatient trying to convert and fix it. Even though it’s in the car he still makes sure to bounce his leg up and down to the beat!

Do your monsters sing and dance to “adult” music? Do you have videos?

2011 has been a year to remember for our family. There have been ups and downs, although mainly ups.
I gained a new little nephew!

Madd Man

I finally married this sexy man!

<3

I became a mom of a toddler and preschooler. =/

When did they grow up?

My nephew was diagnosed with Brain Cancer

Studly!

And so far, besides getting married, the best part was they recently got all of his tumor out!

Post Tumor Removal during Chemo this last week!

Twenty-Eleven has been a very very eventful year. I really am looking forward to moving on to Twenty-Twelve. I have a couple goals for myself and our family in the upcoming year.

Goals

-200lbs or less
-Run a mile without stopping
-Participate in a 5k run
-Start Homeschooling
-Get $3000 in savings
-Find a play group we love for the kids
-Give up Diet coke( I think this will be the hardest!)

They aren’t goals that I think are out of my reach at all. I think I can attain every single one of these and I will! I always remember my mother making resolutions such as to quit smoking and such. I was always a little sad when she didn’t. I want the monsters to always work towards goals, even small ones. And since I have a habit of being a constant quieter this year I hope to prove that quality wrong in myself!

What are your 2012 goals? Do you have any set yet?

I quit. That is the kind of day I’m having. I quit at mommyhood. I quit at being a wife. I quit at life today because it seems like everyone has an opinion about something I’m doing incorrectly.

I was out of the house for most of the day. I had to finally go get my last name  on my license changed to my married name. Since Blogher is coming up I need it if I want to get in and to get on my flight. Chris mainly stayed with the kiddos today. It was about an hour drive to go get all that done. Our car has NO AIR and the front drivers window won’t roll down so it is obviously an epic win while driving. After I finished all my stuff I went to see my grandma. I stayed and talked for awhile.

At some point in the conversation it came up that I wasn’t getting on Chris’s insurance right now because we can’t afford it. And I don’t mean like we could but we enjoy having money, I mean like if we add the extra 60 every month we won’t have car insurance or something. Of course my mom called me not to long after and told me to “forget the homeschooling shit and get a job”. I get NO support from most of my family and a t some point or another every single person has bashed some parenting decision I’ve made. I just can’t deal with it anymore. I can’t take people being douche bags about EVERY FUCKING DETAIL OF MY LIFE! I don’t let you have this, Im a terrible person. I can’t give that and I’m bad in some way. I don’t do what you want and you just erase me from your mind until it’s convenient for you. I am so completely drained by life these last couple of months.

Bonus to it all, I have no one to gripe to. No one gets it or they get so sick of hearing all the time. There are some days that Im so done and so loney that I just want to forget everything. I want to drown my sorrows are swallow them away. I know I need help. I know I need to take some happy pills or see someone but I can’t. Or not yet anyway. Hopefully I can keep earning money from blogging and such to make up for the cost of insurance.

The think is when I get like this I yell. I am my mother. Admitting that was razors to my brain. When she is irrated she yells and I do the exact same thing. I hate it. I yell at my two innocent babies who are just trying to be kids. I feel like such a failure as a mother. There are days that I feel like I should just leave because I’m sure Chris could find such a better wife and mother for them. They deserve love and caring. They don’t deserve this monster that comes out and I feel like I have no control over. They deserve the world and I feel like for the most part I can’t give it to them. Anytime I tell anyone remotely how I feel I get the “Don’t have any more babies” comment. Thanks, Yea I know I’m a fucking mess and I don’t want to add anymore. I’ve even have gotten said similar comment from the husband. I know people mean well but shit like that is not helpful.

I know this is just a big ramble all over the place fest. But this is the one place that I really don’t give a shit what others think. I’m not one for expressing feelings out loud. Chris knows this too well and maybe this is why I get so bad. I can’t say shit and when I do it takes forever since I cry forever while I make it come out. I let people walk all over my kindness and no one is very considerate of anything I do.(There are about three people in my life that I can always depend on if I really need them and they are generally amazing) But I know that they must hate to hear everything over and over so I shut the hell up and leave it alone.

Okay if you made it to the end you are a trooper because I know I probably wouldn’t have wanted to read this mess all the way through. Thanks!