I called for Landon’s allergy results on Monday. The nurse wasn’t in so I left a message. She called back while I was away from my phone and had said that the doctor hadn’t read the test results but he also wasn’t in so she would call me the next day when he did.

When nobody called by 10 I decided to call them again. This time luckily a nurse answered the phone and was able to tell me what the results were. I had to look up the levels after the test because she didn’t tell me any of that. She just said anything over 17 was considered a high allergy. The RASt(radioallergosorbent test) is a blood test determines if a person makes certain IgE antibodies. I guess that IgE is the antibody that is associated with Type I allergic responses. (I’m pretty sure this information is all correct but I’m no doctor and found most of this online.)

Anyway I was only told what Landon’s level’s where on dogs and peanuts. They both measured at 100. The test is from 0-100 from what I’ve seen. But again I could be wrong. The doctor ordered for them to test all environmental and all nuts. I know that he is highly allergic to all of the nuts, most of the environmental stuff and that he is moderately allergic to cats. The unfortunate thing that they can’t test for is the type of reaction a child will have from their allergy.

Some people had is explained to them on forums I’ve read that a level 1 on the test could have anaphylaxis while a level five allergy(50-100 on the test) could just get hives. It makes it all that much more scary when you kid has any sort of reaction. I thought I had prepared myself for it. I really did. I mean we knew he had the peanut allergy and I was pretty sure he had other nut allergies, which was why we never purposefully tried them. But as she told me that he was highly allergic to pretty much everything, it all came crashing down and I started crying. Of course I did it quietly so the nurse wouldn’t hear me.

When we were off the phone, I cried more freely. I was so sad. I was angry. I was terrified. I still am all of those things but to a less degree on the anger. The fear has really gotten to me. Especially because I clearly remember having a dream right after Landon’s first reaction, of Landon going into anaphylaxis and it didn’t end well. I woke up sobbing and couldn’t go back to sleep for at least an hour that night. But since then, since we have had to fight tooth and nail to get an allergy test, it’s really been out of sight and mind. Sure we carry our epipens and know that something could happen but the seriousness of it didn’t really hit us fully until we had the results.

Motherhood on it’s own is so hard at times. There are times when I want to give it all up because I feel like I can’t deal and when I learned about Landon’s allergies it kind of felt like that. I have always been responsible for him but when you kid is normal, it’s not a thought that comes up very often. I mean we push out all the what if’s in the world because if we didn’t we might go crazy. When we got off the phone, I wanted to quit motherhood. Not because I can’t deal with a child with an illness of sorts, but because I’m so so scared that something I will give him or a choice that I make for him could be life threatening. I know it will get better over time but for now it’s hard to feel like he’s safe.

Right now we are keeping Landon close to home, we’re being cautious. I won’t let others take him. I refuse to go to family events if they won’t become nut free completely. I’m scared and angry that my child will most likely always have these allergies. I mad that there is nothing I can do or help I can get to cure him of it and make it go away. I feel very helpless at the moment.

Someone in my family mentioned to me how it’s easy to avoid nuts but really it’s not. If you are a non allergy parent, have you ever looked at the backs of packages? There is usually either tree nuts or peanuts. Or they are processed in the same facility, which could have cross contamination. Or the item may contain tree nuts or peanuts. Sure it isn’t soy or wheat allergies and we can make do without those products but it’s hard none the less. I just will be much happier when the fear starts subsiding a little at least. I can’t wait for that day.