I’m getting MARRIED!

On June 7th 2011 I will become the wife to my wonderful fiancée Chris. You may think… “WTF?! Isn’t that a Tuesday?” Well you would be right, it is indeed a Tuesday.It will also be our fourth year together as a couple. The way Chris asked me to be his “girlfriend” is super cute. Since I am a 12 year old at heart I told him how those “Will you go out with me? Check one- [ ]yes [ ]maybe [ ]no” notes were so cute. At the time we lived about an hour and a half apart. Chris decided to write one of those out and send me a picture message of it. I know it may seem lame to do it over text, but it was totally sweet and made me smile and blush all day. In October of that year we found out we were pregnant and by December I had a promise ring. I guess it makes me a bad fiancée because I don’t know exactly when we got engaged. It just happened one day. And here we are coming up on year four.

We aren’t really in a position to have a wedding so instead we’re going to the courthouse. I always thought that I was so okay with it. Pshhh….I didn’t need a big wedding and everyone there to be excited to marry the man I’m in love with. Why try and kill ourselves by spending money we don’t have or that could be delegated to something sustainable like a newer car. It just isn’t in the cards for our family anytime soon.

As of tonight, I am 1 week and 3 days out from getting hitched. Today I decided to look for a dress. Nothing fancy, just something cute and cheap so I could look nice. We don’t have a photographer or anything but my MIL will be there so she could snap a few. I was telling Chris how much of a pain in the ass it is to find a plus size dress for under $50. He thought it would be funny to make a joke about just wearing jeans and a t-shirt. I almost started bawling. Apparently having a wedding is something more special to me that I though. Only one person in my family showed any interest in coming at all. Kinda shitty I think but whatever. Also I, for some reason feel like we’re are missing out on something special for couples. I know that everyone is different. Chris thinks weddings aren’t that important to him. As he says “You’re paying for people to celebrate with you!” I can see that but for reasons that are unknown to me, I feel a little let down by it all.

Now that I have cried and been comforted by my love, I will be fine. We actually just found someone to marry us at a local landmark so I feel markedly better.

Did you have any doubts or fears about your wedding? Did everything work out?

Most days I do great. I really do. But there have been many days during Emmie’s life where I have felt lower than low. I attribute most of these feelings to my cbac(cesarean birth after cesarean), being knocked out and lack of bonding with Emmie, difficulties breastfeeding, and being a depressed person through my mid teens. (Funny that as I wrote that I thought man that was only five years ago) Many days I adored Emmie. I mean I finally got my little girl and was able to dress her in cute little clothes!

My bad days range from feeling like crap to all out sobbing and hating ever choice I ever made about my birth. I truly and fully believe that MOST of my depression extends from there. My mild days I feel like I’m not an important part of any ones life. My terrible days though can be frightening some times. In my own mind I could disappear and there would be very few people who would notice I was gone. Sometimes I feel like Emaree isn’t even my child. I look at her and I don’t know where she came from. Then I think about it and feel like such a terrible mother. What kind of mom doesn’t even recognize their own child.

Luckily most days I am completely and utterly in love with this kid. Her cheesing grin is just too freaking cute to resist. She is sweet most days and even when she is a little monster she  shows “nigh” as she would say. This kid talks like an 18-20 month old at 14 months. She walks and runs and is a little brute! She is my “advanced” baby. When I look back on the days where I felt like I wasn’t her mother it makes me feel like a worthless parent but then she smiles or laughs or gives her mama kisses and it melts my heart away and makes this mama feel better!

Today my great grandma Busse would have turned 93 years old. She was a sassy old woman and so sweet. Unfortunately she died on Emaree’s birthday this year. To say the least is was sad and heartbreaking especially being on Emmie’s birthday.

I had so many great memories of my great grandma. She was one of those with a deep love of animals. Seriously at one point she owned a raccoon. My great grandparents lived on a farm so it was easy to acquire animals. Anytime we went to visit I remember seeing cats galore. They were mainly outside cats but still, they had bunches. I remember getting confused because I had so many grandparents and didn’t know what to call her. She said “Call me Kitty Grandma”.

For the Longest time I honestly thought she didn’t know my name. As a young child, I was always called pooker bear. Everyone called me it all the time. I mean most who used it would also you my real name, but not my Grandma Busse. Eventually when I was about 11 or 12 I asked her if she knew what my real name was because I wasnt sure.

She was sassy until the end. Also being 92 she had such a sound mind. She could carry a conversation and remembered the names of my kids. She had a few great great grandkids. In all I got lucky because not many people can say that they lived for twenty years while their Great Grandparents were around. And at least two of my kids will b able to say they had two Great grandmas alive in their life time.(Chris’s Great Grandma is still alive as well)